Chapter 8 Substitute

Actually, I made a decision long before confronting my father in the living room that day.

I want to leave this home and start my own independent life.

This idea of ​​leaving home is not the first time I have appeared in my mind. In fact, I have had this idea countless times before I met Sister Juan.

But I was still very naive back then and didn’t have any real plans. It was more appropriate to use the word "run away from home" to describe my thoughts back then.

The reason why I wanted to run away from home at that time was very simple: my mother passed away, and my father was often not at home. I was lonely and had no care from my relatives. I began to feel that my home was just a prison without railings.

I wanted to escape, escape from the home that made me feel no warmth at that time.

But what should I do after escaping...

At that time, I never had a definite idea, just a childish one who pursued literal escape.

Later, Sister Juan came to my world.

Sister Juan’s arrival completely changed me. She brought light to my dim world and filled this cold home with warmth again.

The arrival of Yingying has made me taste the taste of being a brother and learned what responsibility is and what responsibility is.

I was immersed in such a beautiful life, and for a moment I even forgot that such beauty was just a pavilion built on the beach. Such warmth would one day turn into a severe cold that suffocated me.

And the person who finally awakens me is my father.

The father's return swore that this home welcomed its true owner.

My attitude of Sister Juan on my father's side at any time also made me exhausted.

Although Yingying is still standing on my side, she, who has a subtle position, is at the crossroads of her life at this moment.

I couldn't bear to see Yingying change her original life trajectory because of me, so I was mentally prepared to be severely blamed by her afterwards, and kept my mouth shut about what I was about to leave home.

But there is only one person I can't hide.

That's Sister Juan.

The day after the argument with my father, I returned home.

I came back only after seeing the opportunity when my father went out, and my purpose was clear: to pack up the minimum luggage and leave the house completely.

But when I opened the door of my house with the key, a figure was already standing behind the door waiting for me.

It's Sister Juan.

I looked at Sister Juan, who should have been out, and suddenly understood one thing: Sister Juan had seen through my thoughts long ago.

As the person who knows me best, he seems to be transparent to her. No matter how I hide my thoughts, I can only see through Sister Juan at a glance.

Sister Juan just looked at me, she didn't say anything, but her big eyes full of sadness told me everything.

I also closed my mouth and lowered my head to pass by her and headed straight for my room.

Sister Juan didn't stop me. She just followed me and watched me take out the suitcase I prepared for college from the bottom of the bed. It was not until I threw a pile of clothes into the box that she said: This is not how I cleaned up.

I stopped and watched Sister Juan walk to the suitcase. I quickly began to pick and choose the clothes in the suitcase without telling me.

This one, and this one.These are all clothes that can only be transmitted after autumn. They can’t be transmitted yet, so take them out first.

This stack of clothes I have washed and worn in summer. You just need to bring this, then put on your underwear and a few coats.

This one...is the clothes you sewed for me last year?You must have never worn it again. The hole is too big, so I didn’t repair it very well... This one is not the one I wear now, take it out first.

In this way, I watched Sister Juan pick out a lot of inappropriate clothes from my suitcase, and then picked out a bunch of clothes I might be wearing from the wardrobe and drawer and stuffed them back into the box.

After a while, the capacity of the box itself did not change, but because Sister Juan re-stacked each piece of clothing, the number of pieces in the end was even more than I had before.

Sister Juan… I called her.

Um?What's wrong...Ah, Xiaoyu, you have changed the clothes you wear, you have been wearing them for two days, right?Take it off and throw it into the washing machine. I will wash it for you in the afternoon.

I looked at Sister Juan's expression that seemed to be as usual, and finally couldn't help asking: Sister Juan, don't you object to me leaving?

Sister Juan stopped packing her clothes.

She straightened her waist and looked at me, her eyebrows and eyes lowered, and said helplessly and complained: What can I do if I object?Don't you leave?

I was speechless.

Sister Juan said again: Actually, I had thought of this day long ago.Xiaoyu, your temper is actually carved from the same mold as your father. You are all the kind of people who don’t bow their heads to others easily, and they all have their own ideas.It was fine if you didn’t meet often in the past, but now you will see each other every day without looking up, and something will happen sooner or later.

But I didn't expect that this day would come so quickly, and... it was because of me.

Xiaoyu, I support you to go out and live alone.You are going to college too. I know that you will definitely not be able to adapt to living in a dormitory with others with your personality. In the past few days, I have rented a suite near the school. I will send you the address and you can move there first.

I was deeply moved and even felt a little guilty.

Sister Juan had already arranged everything for me when I didn't know, but I didn't think about anything, and I was even vaguely blaming Sister Juan for her on her father's side.

After Sister Juan finished speaking, she continued to help me pack my luggage: I originally thought you would live at home, so I didn’t prepare much... But it’s okay, if you don’t live in the dormitory, you will be more free, right?The time in college is much more relaxed than in high school. You should pay more attention to it at that time. You should still focus on learning and don’t always play crazy...

I grabbed Sister Juan's hand and said loudly: Sister Juan, let's go together!

Sister Juan's body froze. She did not look up to see my hot gaze, but broke her arm away from my hands without leaving any trace.

Let's go together...where can we go?Xiaoyu, you think things too simply. Think more about the consequences before speaking. You are not too young anymore...

Sister Juan!I wanted to shake Sister Juan's hand again, but this time Sister Juan avoided it.

Xiaoyu, stop talking stupid things.

Sister Juan was finally willing to look at me and said, there was a hint of alienation in her eyes that made me feel strange. You moved out of your home because sooner or later you will be independent, and it is time for you to live independently. This is your home, but sooner or later you will have your own home.

But Xiaoyu, I am different from you.This is my home, my only home... After leaving this place, where else can I go?

I heard Sister Juan's words and refused politely, and couldn't help but feel sad.

Sister Juan... I stretched out my hand to hug her, but was once again avoided by Sister Juan without leaving any trace.

Xiaoyu...I said that our relationship is over, and we can't do this anymore.

Sister Juan squeezed a smile from her face and said in a joking tone, "When you arrive at university, you must find a young and beautiful girlfriend, and then bring it back to show me."I am very strict. If I can’t pass my level, I’ll change it to a better one. Do you remember?

Although Sister Juan said this with a smile, I heard a sad breath from her voice.

Sister Juan, do you really want to stay in this home?Are you really...will be tortured by him all the time?

I asked what I thought was the most powerful question, and Sister Juan fell into deep thought after listening to my words.

Come with me, Sister Juan.We can go to other places and go to a place where no one knows us.

I told Sister Juan about the plan of the honeymoon trip that I had buried in my heart for a long time, but this time, what I want to do is not just a trip, I want to take Sister Juan to live a brand new life.

But in the end, she shook her head. Xiaoyu, you are still thinking too naive.

Sister Juan's assertion made me a little confused. I had long expected Sister Juan to question it, and I was even ready to answer her questions.

But Sister Juan didn't ask a single question, and she labeled my idea as naive.

Your idea is quite beautiful, but have you ever thought about it? In the eyes of others, this is not called a "honeymoon" trip at all. They just think that we are elopement or even incest... Have you ever thought about these?

Sister Juan continued to pour cold water on me: And, even if I am willing to go with you, what should Yingying do?You are only 20 years old this year and have just started college. What should you do during the past four years of college? How do you afford the living expenses of the two of us or even three of us?Don’t say anything stupid as you are no longer able to do it. If you say that, I will lock you up at home!You don't want to go anywhere!

I became more and more discouraged, and the burning flames in my heart were only a pile of ashes that didn't even smoke.

I know that Sister Juan said these words for my own good, but I am more worried about Sister Juan’s situation than myself.

Sister Juan, what should you do?I'm leaving, you and Yingying are all left at home. If he hits you again...

No.Sister Juan interrupted me, she looked at me and shook her head firmly.

Don't worry, I've talked to him.Speaking of this, I want to thank you. After you left last night, your father became much calmer. He was not a completely inappropriate person. He even said sorry to me and promised me that he would not do anything again in the future.Just rest assured.

Sister Juan said it seriously, but I still have some doubts.

I know my father, and that person would not bow his head so easily, let alone a woman he has always despised.

On the other hand, the words I heard when confronted my father yesterday also made me very concerned.

Sister Juan, has he... been doubting you all the time?What he said yesterday was ugly, and it was not the first time he said those words.

This topic is obviously much more difficult for Sister Juan. She paused for a while before answering my question: You guessed it right, your father... he had long suspected me, but it had nothing to do with you. He had already thought this way several years ago.

Sister Juan obviously didn't want to talk about this topic, but due to my relentless pursuit, she still started talking.

I told you last time, your dad...he has other women outside.

I nodded. The news that was confirmed by Sister Juan was also that person...

The image of my father began to collapse in my heart.

Sister Juan continued: He started raising that woman very early, and that woman was an old lover he met in another place.He thought I never knew it, but he couldn't hide it from me and the people in the company. I had known that he was outside.

The topic about my father's affair came to an abrupt end here, and then Sister Juan turned the topic back to her father's suspicion of herself: Maybe it was because that woman was a married woman. When he was away from home, he didn't know what I did at home, and he began to suspect that I had someone secretly like him.

Is this actually the case?

Is it just because of such a ridiculous reason?

I was very sad at the time. I had always kept my duty as a woman for him, but he still had to doubt me like this... At that time, I discovered that you were peeking at me about taking a bath, and then, maybe I wanted to take revenge on him, so I... This is the first time I heard Sister Juan say that she accepted me.

But this motivation made me feel a little reluctant.

Sister Juan... am I just his substitute... I clenched my fists and asked in a low voice.

Sister Juan turned her head away and didn't want to look at me in the eyes.

Is it okay to answer me, Sister Juan, even if I lie to me...

My begging finally pried open Sister Juan's heart. She lamented and whispered: I thought so at the beginning, you look so similar... I don't want to fall into it anymore, I already, don't want to do this anymore.

I trembled and swallowed the bitter fruit that swore to the shattering of my first love.

When I dragged my suitcase away, Sister Juan kept sending me downstairs, and she seemed to be very worried about me.

Xiaoyu, if you are not used to living, you can come back, and... I will go see you.

I didn't make any sound, nor did I say goodbye to Sister Juan, and left without looking back.

********************

I didn't move into the house that Sister Juan had prepared for.

After leaving home, I found a summer job with food and accommodation. Until the two months before the start of university, I lived in the factory dormitory.

After school started, I carried my luggage and moved directly from the factory dormitory to the school dormitory. From beginning to end, I never stayed in that house for a night.

Sister Juan didn’t realize that I didn’t move in until a week after I moved out. She called me more than a dozen times, but I refused.

I was deliberately alienating her.

It was not until the evening that I sent her a short text message explaining where she was going.

Sister Juan’s reply was also very short: I understand, take good care of myself.

She also understands the fact that I'm alienating her.

This is a tacit understanding that both of us reached and the ending I chose for my first love.

On the day of school opening, Sister Juan proposed to come and see me off, but I didn't refuse, but only asked her and Yingying to send her to the school gate.

We all had a tacit understanding and didn't mention my father's affairs. Although I had no expectations for that person, Sister Juan still seemed a little sorry.

In contrast, Yingying's face was full of resentful expressions.

She only learned about this after I moved out. I did not explain to her why I left, and she has always been a little resentful towards me.

You guys go back.

I carried the duffel bag, pulled the suitcase with my other hand, and walked towards the dormitory building.

Among a group of freshmen, I was particularly abrupt, and there was no one around me who helped me share my luggage.

Sister Juan and Yingying were standing there, watching me go away.Until I walked out far and far, I could still look back and see them standing there.

Life in the dormitory was not as difficult as I thought. I adapted very quickly. A few days later, I got along with my roommate in the same dormitory. Sister Juan’s worries about me were still redundant.

But when I think of Sister Juan’s face and her name, my heart still feels cramped.

Fortunately, my busy and fulfilling college life gradually diluted the depression in my heart. I actively participated in various activities and filled my daily schedule. It seemed that only in this way could I forget the love that had not blossomed and fruitful.

I even took the initiative to approach those girls in college and wanted to start a new relationship.

But when my relationship with a girl crossed the line of an ordinary friend, Sister Juan began to appear in my mind over and over again. I even felt uneasy because I had a meal with the girl, and it felt like I was cheating.

And my half-heartedness also made me unable to win the hearts of any girl in the end.One month after school started, I, the oldest member, became the only bachelor in the dormitory.

In a blink of an eye, the National Day holiday has arrived.

Others in the dormitory had either planned early where to go to travel in the seven days, or bought a ticket to go home and embarked on the way home. I had no plans to travel and did not plan to go home, so I could only lie on the bed in the dormitory and fiddled with my cell phone to pass the boring time.

And on such a boring evening, a sudden knock on the door broke the unchanging trajectory surrounding me.

May I ask, is this Gao Yu’s dormitory?This was a voice that I was extremely familiar with. Before I could answer the roommate who opened the door, I jumped out of the bed and rushed to the door.

Standing outside the door... It was indeed Yingying!

Yingying was wearing a simple but generous dress. Standing at the door, she also noticed my existence at first sight, and her big eyes instantly curved out of a crescent-like curve.

Why are you here? I was very surprised. Not only Yingying appeared in front of me, but she was standing in the boy's dormitory that was supposed to be stopped by the girl.

However, Yingying did not answer my question. Although the corners of her eyes were still bent with a smile, her lips were pursed into a line, and the fog instantly blurred her eyes...

Yingying hugged me suddenly, and she buried her head deep in my arms, and then began to cry loudly.

This sudden scene made Yingying, who was already in the focus of onlookers, and I was hugged by her and washed off from the head by various gazes.

This feeling of being stared at by more than a dozen eyes is really not pleasant, and a wall of people has formed around it, attracting more and more people to look at Yingying and me.

Let me give you one, let me go!I hugged Yingying's shoulders, which were still sobbing, squeezed open the wall of people that was about to block the corridor, and took Yingying away from the storm.

It was not until I hid in the rooftop that Yingying and I got rid of those relentless gazes.

Yingying was always close to me, her eyes were red, and her arms were tightly clasped around my waist.

I looked at her like this, sighed, and asked again: Why are you here?

Yingying sniffed and said: I miss you.

Then you just run to my dormitory to come to Ah?Didn’t I tell you my new mobile number? You can call me Ah.

I, I want to see my brother's face directly...

Alas... I sighed, but I raised my hand habitually and put it on Yingying's head.

From beginning to end, cherry blossoms are kept in the dark.

I never told her about moving out of my home, nor did I discuss it with her. Yingying's idea has always been ignored by me. I subconsciously thought Yingying would accept my choices completely, but forgot to consider her most basic feelings.

Brother... are you really not going home?

I knocked on her forehead and said: What are you talking about? That's my home. How could I... not go back?

Yingying pouted her lips, she looked at me with a burning look, and said in a low voice: Lie.

I didn't lie to you...

You will say this every time you want to lie to me!

I had no choice but to speak the truth selectively: Yingying, it’s not that I don’t want to go back, you know that I have some conflicts with that person... Your Uncle Gao, he definitely doesn’t want to see me now, so why should I go back and make things boring?

Yingying hummed twice, and she also witnessed the fierce conflict between me and my father that morning, knowing that I was not lying.

By the way, Yingying, how did you come here? You are the only one?Are you not going to class anymore?

I also have National Day holidays, okay?Yingying pouted.

Then how did you come in?I remember that the boys' dormitory does not allow girls to enter, and you are not a student of our school...

I wanted to pull the topic away from the issue I avoided going home, but Yingying also saw what I thought. She closed her mouth and just kept looking at me with a resentful look.

And I was defeated like this.

OK OK OK, can I promise you that you can't... I'll go back next week, and I'll just need to get some things.

Yingying's expression finally turned into a sunny day because of my promise, but the next sentence she said made me feel helpless.