Chapter 34 A letter, leave

Sunday, it was around nine o'clock in the morning.

The moment I regained consciousness, I felt sore and weak all over my body, and there were still bursts of pain in my waist and abdomen.

Ah Uh...

When I opened my eyes, a white light from the sun shone in the living room outside the door flashed my eyes. After blocking it with my hands for a while, I got used to it.

At the same time, the memories of last night in my mind also emerged instantly.

Lying on the big red bed, I subconsciously raised the corners of my mouth and smiled gently.

Then I turned around and looked at my mother who thought she would wake up later than me.

Um?!

The pillow next to me was empty, and there was only a soft red quilt on the big bed, so was the room!

Strange!When did mom get up?

I was a little puzzled, and slowly lifted the soft and fragrant red quilt, got out of the bed, and walked out of my mother's bedroom...

Mom...Mom...

I first went to the living room, then the guest room next to me, the kitchen and bathroom... I shouted a few times without my mother's response, and I didn't see her.

Did you go out?My mother doesn’t have to go to work today, and she was so tired last night... Why did she go out early in the morning?

I was a little confused, but I didn't think much about it. I went to the bathroom to go to the toilet, and then washed and tidied it up.

After going to the kitchen to find something to eat, I returned to the sofa in the living room, watched TV while eating, and planned to wait for my mother to come back.

But this wait took more than an hour...

There was no choice but to go back to my room first and prepare for my homework.After all, there are a lot of homework on the weekends, so I finish it first. After my mother comes back, I can follow her with peace of mind...

But what I didn’t expect was that after getting up, my mother, who had been looking for her for a long time, was not in other rooms at home, but in my own room!To be precise, what she left behind was in my room!

When I walked into my bedroom, the first thing I found was that there was a piece of paper conspicuously on the bed!The moment I saw that piece of paper, I suddenly had a bad premonition!

Immediately afterwards, I quickly came to the bed and picked up the paper. The moment I saw the contents on the paper, I panicked...

The contents in the letter are as follows:

Xiaoxuan, when you saw this letter, your mother had already left.There are so many things that happened to us during this period, all of which I had never thought about before.I don't know what to do, I don't know how to teach you well.Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not a qualified mother, I'm sorry, I chose to escape this time...

Don't worry, mom won't want you, mom just wants to go out and relax and see how big the outside world is... It can also calm us down.

During this period when your mother is away, you must remember to have a good meal. You are in the golden period of growing up and you cannot miss at least three meals a day.

Also, you can’t relax even if you study. You promised me that you would do well in the final exam, and I hope you can do it.

You don’t have to go to find your mother, she will definitely come back before the New Year... We will still be the same this year, go to your grandmother’s house and celebrate the New Year with your uncle and others.

Goodbye Xiaoxuan.

My hand holding the letter trembles more and more. After reading the contents of the letter, my heart suddenly became confused and mostly panic.

Huh...Mom...Mom...Mom is gone?Mom...left...

I kept muttering and sat on the bed with a little stiffness.

After a few dozen seconds, I suddenly got up and ran out of the room, came to my mother's bedroom again, took out my cell phone from the bedside table, and called my mother...

beep……

The rain is like snowflakes on the road, and you are crying...

While the call sounded from my phone, the ringtone of my mother's cell phone came from the dressing counter on the other side of the big red bed... She didn't bring her phone.

I put down my phone and turned off the call, and my body sat on the bed again with a little stiffness and weakness...

Afterwards, I rushed out the door and ran all over the community, nearby parks, and places my mother would go to, but I couldn't find it.

After school the next day, I went to my mother's unit to ask for it and found out that my mother called her leader and asked for a long vacation for half a month. No one knew where she went.

And I finally confirmed the fact that my mother had left me.

After asking, I went home alone and didn't look for my mother again...

When I got home, I felt a little complicated, and I felt unspeakable and palpitations!

My father left this home and me because he divorced his mother.

After Xiao Huanhuan jumped off the building for me, she was inexplicably persuaded by her mother's conversation for less than half an hour, and finally chose to leave me.

Now, the mother who has been with me since she was a child has also left...

Although my mother said she would be back in a while, I was still filled with frustration at this moment.

Thinking back on this period of time, the scenes that happened with my mother last night, every expression and tone of her...

At this moment, I began to reflect on myself for the first time and began to question myself for the first time.

What exactly caused the people around me to passively or actively leave me one by one? Am I really wrong and what are the shortcomings?

I sat on the big red bed and thought, but I couldn't figure it out, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt sadder...

But soon, time told me the answer again!

A few more days later.

The school will have to take the final exam in more than a week and then the winter vacation will be on.And I have been going to school on time these days and going home on time, as usual.

The only difference is that every time I go home, I feel the silence that has never been seen before!

The living room is no longer the figure of my mother sitting quietly in the past, the familiar smell of food, and the study and tutoring that I feel warm now...

I can't believe that this is how my mother lived after she left me!It's like a little bird enjoying the whole forest and embracing the whole world, but it's just not accompanied by other lives.

Loneliness and unprecedented fear are my most sincere feelings at home these days!

So I have returned home these days, eaten takeaway, finished my homework, and took a shower, and did not have any extra thoughts to play with anything else, but returned to the room and buried it in the quilt.

I was not sleeping in my room, but lying on the big red bed filled with the fragrance of my mother!Maybe only in this way can I comfort my messy and complicated heart.

Several times at night, I was awakened by nightmares!

After waking up, I don’t remember the content of the dream.

But it’s probably all about my mother, and it’s about my mother leaving me!

So many times I dare not sleep anymore, for fear of feeling the meaning of giving up and leaving in my dream again.

After a few late nights, after a nightmare, I turned on the light and sat alone at the head of the bed, looking at the still on the red bed, but my mother was no longer there, and the whole family was like this!

A feeling of loneliness surged in my heart again, and it felt like I was sleeping alone in the bed of a loving bed.

But it didn't last long, and I was changed by a call again.

One night.

After I got home from school and finished my meal, I was writing my homework in my mother's room.

The rain was like blocking the road... My mother's cell phone ringing.

I knew my mother's lock screen password, so I picked it up and answered the phone.Because some people have called each other these days, I answered and told them that my mother forgot to bring her cell phone when she was away.

Hello, hello!A hoarse woman's voice came from the phone.

Hello, hello!I said casually.

Ms. Liang Buping is it?I am Director Feng, a psychiatrist at the First People's Hospital. Why haven't you come to receive psychological counseling these days?

She might have heard my crisp voice, thinking that I was my mother herself, and said something I didn't expect.

What psychological counseling?When I heard this, I was immediately anxious, and the voice of the boy in the developmental period was fully revealed.

Uh...who are you?Director Feng suddenly knew that I was not Liang Buping on the other end of the phone.

I am her son!What happened to my mother and why did she go to psychiatric department?I asked anxiously.

Excuse me!Since you are not Liang Buping himself, we have no right to tell you.Keeping patient information confidential is the basic principle of our psychologists. If she doesn't tell you, it means... Director Feng quickly changed into a serious tone.

That means nothing!She is my mother, why can't I know?I scolded angrily.

Please be careful when speaking. Our hospital phone number is recorded throughout, please pay attention to you... Director Feng said without rushing.

Be careful!My mom has been missing for a few days now!If you don’t tell me the specific situation of her in your hospital and seeking medical treatment, your hospital will be fully responsible if something happens to her!I'll call the police now!

I became wise in a hurry and threatened directly.

Alas... wait a moment!OK... That's right, Ms. Liang Buping on October 9th... Now you know!Her condition is actually not as serious as you think. As long as she provides regular psychological counseling and cooperates with medication...

Beep... I finished the call before I finished speaking on the other end of the phone.

At this moment, I felt uncomfortable as if I was pressed by a heavy object, and my throat was choked.

Suddenly, I seemed to think of something!He threw his mother's cell phone on the bed and started searching for boxes and cabinets in her bedroom.

After searching for a long time, I finally found the case list of what I was looking for in a cosmetic box in my mother's dressing cabinet!

Next is the second picture, the third picture...

I opened her cosmetics box like I was opening a blind box, but my mood was all heavy.

I finally finished reading all the cosmetic boxes and found a total of seven mother's case reports.

I sat on the bed, looking down at the cases that pierced my heart, with my mother's name written on it, and the rough content is as follows:

On October 9, patient: Liang Buping, identified by chief physician: mild depression, treatment method: psychological counseling.

On November 26, patient: Liang Buping, identified by chief physician: moderate depression, treatment method: regular psychological counseling, and drug treatment.

On December 27, patient: Liang Buping, identified by chief physician: moderate depression, treatment method: regular psychological counseling, regular medication treatment.

I watched all this, my hands trembling constantly with the case single.Looking at the mother's eye-catching names above, the eye-catching dates above, and the identification results that finally made me feel distressed...

And it all has something to do with me!I finally knew why my mother had been resisting me and did not accept my inappropriate love for her. She even disagreed after she had sex with me again.

Because she never thought about being my woman!She always treats me as her son, she always just wants to be my mother!

But I was narcissistic and thought that my mother might also like me, but she didn't dare to accept me because of the mother-son relationship.

So after that, I used various means and tricks to coerce her and force her to submit, and I also vaguely felt that I was giving her a way out...

This may be my stupidity!At this moment, I feel so selfish and childish!I just keep hurting my mother to satisfy my various desires!

Compared with my mother, even after I did so many rebellious things to her, she never gave up on me!

On the contrary, after work every day, I have to go home to tutor me and endure my unreasonable violation of her.

Even before leaving, I didn't forget to care about me in the letter...

Mom...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...

I kept muttering, my eyes were wet, and tears had already passed through my face, flowed to the corner of my mouth, and dripped on my mother's case list.

I kept flipping through my mother's case list, and recalling everything that happened before on the corresponding date, and then I realized what my mother had been tortured by me during this period!

Gradually, I put the case list in my hand weakly into the dressing cabinet, put it away, and lay it on the bed...

Burying my head on my mother's pillow, what I recall in my mind at this moment was the way my mother cared for me on weekdays and how she looked when she taught me.The more I think about it, the more I feel guilty, and the more I think about it, the more I hate myself!

In the darkness of the quilt, I slowly shrank into a ball, hugged my head with both hands, and tears couldn't stop flowing, and soon the pillow became wet.

Sorry... Sorry...

At this moment, I was lying in the same position and saying the same words as if I was beaten by my mother in the corridor that day!

But the difference is that my mother didn’t hit me at this moment, but my heart felt pain that penetrated my bones!

At this moment, what I couldn't help but think was, how great would it be if my mother could beat me!In this way, the depression and haze in her heart may be much lessened.

I don’t know how long I cried, but after I felt sobbing that I couldn’t breathe, I ran out of the quilt.He got up and quickly packed his mother's room, left and closed the door.

Because I feel that I am not worthy of staying in my mother's room anymore!I dare not have any thoughts of offending her again...

I returned to my room like a walking corpse. After finishing my homework, I turned off the light and lay on the bed.

As the room darkened, my mind was filled with pictures and words that hurt my mother before...

My breathing became rapid again, and my heart was as if it was twisted by a knife, and I quickly got up and turned on the lamp.

I opened my eyes wide and looked at the bedside lamp, motionless, and I didn't dare to think about anything in my mind.It seems like I want the light to illuminate my dark figure at this moment.

I don’t know how long I have been sitting in meditation, but I feel my eyelids are a little heavy and my brain gradually becomes drowsy.The moment I closed my eyes, I thought about it again and woke up again!

I don’t know what my specific mood was like after I learned that my mother was depressed.

I began to have the idea of ​​calling the police to find my mother, but I recalled that my mother said in her letter that she would definitely come back!

And my mother had been away for a few days at that time. If she really had any thoughts that she couldn't think of, maybe...

So I firmly believe in my heart that my mother is a strong woman!She never bowed to anyone or anything, and she would never have the idea of ​​being unhappy!

But my mother suffers from depression, because of me!Moreover, the situation on the case list seems to be getting worse and worse, and the reason why she left was because I that night...

...My mood is very complicated, and overall I am not sure!

Every day, I have not thought of any effective way to deal with all this, except guilt and self-blame.

It is not until the final exam is over, and there is a day during the winter vacation.

At night, I sat dullly on the sofa in the living room, looking at the incandescent lamps on the wall, and didn't know what I was thinking.

I just could feel that the living room, kitchen, bathroom, guest room and my room were all brightly lit!

Only my mother's bedroom door was closed, and the crack was pitch black...

After a while, I got up and walked into my room, ready to go to bed.

When I entered the room, I didn't go to bed. It was not because a thick wooden stick was placed horizontally on the bed that blocked me, but because I hadn't slept in the bed these days...

My eyes were dissipated, my eyes were dull, and I walked over with my waist bent.

Pulling open the two chairs in front of the desk, I lowered my head and quickly got under the desk, then tightly blocked the two chairs at the opening under the desk, pulled up the quilt inside and wrapped it around my body, revealing only a pair of eyes looking through the chair at the bright room outside.

Not long after, I took out the letter I left before my mother left, put it on the chair and read it repeatedly.

After nearly half a month, the letter still looked brand new!The beautiful handwriting of my mother on the letter is still preserved intact!Not soaked in my tears or anything.

Because at this moment, my tears and my eyes will only flow under the dim table and on the wet quilt, and will never get any trace of my mother's letter!

Just like at this moment, I am only worthy of looking up at the light in the darkness.