Chapter 76 Final

Someone once asked me why I write tragic stories, and even when I read the works, I always feel a sense of sadness?

To be honest, it’s not that I want to do this, I also hope to write articles full of joy and positiveness, but I can’t…I just can’t…

The answer is simple, because my life is a tragedy, and I am destined to have an unchangeable destiny...

I don't like tragedy, I hate tragedy, and I don't even want to write tragedy at all.

After all, tragedy usually only has despair and pain, without any light of hope, and even in the end only dark death remains.

Although I know that what I wrote is full of sorrow, I can't help but stop writing, because writing is the only escape from my life besides death, which allows me to imagine that I am so happy and free, living in another utopia.

I can understand why Yasunari Kawabata, the Japanese winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature, was as famous as the most important thing after winning the prize. One day, no last words were left behind and he ended his life in the study.

Yukio Mishima said that Kawabata Yasunari's literary works are essentially pathological.

I believe this sentence because it is difficult to hide any kind of writer's words.

Kind writers write kind works, writers who have not yet lost their childish hearts write children's books full of childish joy, and sad and sick writers write their words will inevitably begin to distort...

In every part between the lines, we can see that Yasunari Kawabata's works reveal the illusory beauty, which is quite far from the real world.

Because this is the master's utopia, a non-existent fantasy world, and the only place he can escape from.

But he finally chose to give up all this and break the utopia... Perhaps the utopia does not exist as if it was literally meaningless. The master just understood this, so he no longer entered that world...

I believe that there is no one in the world who hates your life. If you can, you always hope to live healthily and forever.

Unless it is an inevitable illness, if a person really faces death, he must be sure that his death will be meaningful and he will have the courage to face it.

But he is in the glorious period of his life, without forced economic troubles, no illness or torture, and it is even more impossible for him to have any significant significance to society or the country after his death. In this way, he chooses to leave without leaving any last words, and there must be a knot in his heart that is difficult to unravel, and even the most sad feeling.

We will never know what that is. He has never complained to his friends or family, and has no last words, which means that it is something that cannot be said.

The more difficult it is to say it, and if you put it alone in your heart, the deeper the torture and pain you will bring.

I once said in Chapter 56: "People often say that if you do something bad, you will go to hell, but maybe you don't have to wait until the punishment of the world comes after death, because the pain of living in this way is torment of fire, an endless burning eternal purgatory..."

I don’t know what pain Master Yasunari Kawabata was for, but for a long time, he must have been very tired, so he chose to die to escape.

Similarly, I've been very tired...

Now only if Wenwen is by my side can I feel the courage to live again.

Only by holding her in your arms can you feel the value of life.

I can't keep it from my parents forever. They will sooner or later know that I can't even imagine what will happen when they know it, and I can't even imagine their expressions.

I have feelings that most people in society fear forbidden with my own sister. Maybe you will call me a pervert?

If so, I will never deny it, because only in this way can I feel the truest breath of myself still struggling to live in the fire of purgatory.

One day nearly half a year ago, when I honestly told my long-time friend Haisha this secret, I was really afraid that he would cut off contact with me, and even looked at me with dirty eyes and hurt me, so I asked him not to hurt me, and told him that I was still me, and that the me he knew over the years has been no different.

As a result, Haisha did not express any difference, but just said quietly: There is no normal person in the world...

Maybe he is right, or maybe he is wrong.

After all, most people in this society live in accordance with the common norms of society. Only Wenwen and I are different from them and have embarked on the forbidden path.

To them, we must be wrong.

But where does their norm come from?

Isn’t this attitude equally abnormal if you are almost blindly obedient to the social norms?

After the deep kiss that night, when we want to love, or when the atmosphere is very good, Wenwen always smiles like a child and says: People want to kiss!She likes to kiss me more than love, but she doesn't kiss passionately, she just keeps kissing like a dragonfly.

At home, unless we are the only ones, we try to pretend to be strangers in front of outsiders.

There were several times when I took Wenwen and my friends to watch movies. She always followed me without saying a word, just like we are just ordinary brothers and sisters, and they rarely talk.

But in the dark cinema, she sat next to me, and I always held her hands tightly and cherished this short time.

My friends didn't realize it, never knew it, and they didn't have to know it.

Sometimes I feel very sad. It is impossible for me and Wenwen to stay together openly in the future.

Therefore, I often think of the lyrics: I came to my face speechlessly, and I shared a glass of water with you.

There is a strong meaning in the clear world, and it flows out from the heart to be intoxicated.

No matter what wrong or fate, don’t talk about the butterfly dream.

I will return you to this life, this life, and both of you have passed through thousands of lives.

After Wenwen and I graduated from school, we were quickly transferred to the army by the government. Wenwen was unexpectedly admitted to a girls' high school in Yonghe City.

After entering the army, I quickly moved the defenses with the troops and came to Hualien and Taitung to guard the coastal defense. In addition, the good commander did not make things difficult for us soldiers, so it was quite relaxed.

All I have to do all day is to sit on the beach with a gun, face the blue Pacific Ocean, as if my heart was washed away.

I often think of Wenwen, and sit on the beach, write letters to her every day, write about my thoughts for her and my love for her in my heart.

Every time I go back to Taipei for a holiday and see Wenwen, I feel that she has changed, becoming more stable, more mature and beautiful...

I always think about the more than half a year when I really spent with Wenwen intimately, and it was my happiest moment when she started to help me with her hands until I went to the army.

Just thinking about it is like returning to that warm time...

Wenwen was just a simple and clingy little girl at that time, and she was willing to stay by my side all the time. After a few years, she grew up slowly and her heart became more and more like a mature woman.

I didn't tell Wenwen the date of the day I retired from the army because I wanted to go home alone to surprise her. As a result, she was so desperate that day that day that she was called to KTV and was not at home and sang until late at night before going home.

Because I was a soldier and went to bed early, I didn’t wake up at eleven o’clock and fell asleep in bed.

As a result, when Wenwen returned home, she found that someone had come in the house, so she carefully checked the rooms and found that there seemed to be someone sleeping on the bed in her dark room. She was so scared that she thought a stupid thief invaded and wanted to steal something, but she accidentally fell asleep. So she went to the kitchen and woke me up with a kitchen knife. She might have planned to confirm that I was a stupid thief and stab me in the thigh.

Thankfully, I woke up quickly, and she recognized me very quickly in the darkness. Otherwise, if she decided to stab my thigh with a knife and accidentally cut off the artery, she might be sad.

However, if you die under the peony flowers, it’s better if you can die at Wenwen’s hands, you’re really willing to...

When I got home, Wenwen was no longer as sweet to me as before I joined the army. She became very independent and strong and would not always stick to me.

It made me deeply realize that her maturity is no longer just a child.

Staying at home, I wanted to take a break before starting to find a job, but Wenwen didn't force me to find a job quickly, so I felt at ease to think about the future.

Think about the future, think about the future with Wenwen, think about our relationship, think about this family.

But maybe I was really too idle, and my mood became more and more depressed. Many things were easy to think in a bad direction, and so things broke out like this.

One day, Wenwen went to school to study. When I became the husband of the family, I was cleaning her room with a vacuum cleaner, I saw a letter on the table.

She had the habit of communicating with friends, and this is the case with Chinese middle school. The handwriting on the envelope was beautiful, just like the ones written by a temperamental girl who read a lot of books, so she ignored them.

But that day, because Wenwen was always very cold to me, I suddenly wanted to open the letter to take a look, and therefore, I opened the door that went straight to purgatory...

Looking at the letter, I began to tremble. In my life, I have never approached purgatory or demon like that; I almost killed myself, almost killed another person...

The weird man in the opera house is a tragedy that suffers from love.

Knowing that the weird man who lives in the purgatory of the world is accompanied by his lover Christine and is so close to heaven, but Christine secretly falls in love with another man and pushes the monster into the deepest hell again.

In order to protect Christine and to keep Christine by his side forever, the weirdo's once pure heart finally became completely ugly.

Yes, he began to kill for love, without any guilt, only the endless fire of sorrow in purgatory surrounded the soul.

It was not until the end that he said: Even if the flames of hell burned me, I still yearn for the light of heaven...

Burn, the fire refining of hell, for me...

I never knew that when I was in the army, a male classmate from middle school always chased her. The one I wrote a love letter to Wenwen and then I scolded was him.

The letter was full of love for Wenwen and full of vows. He was very happy about what he said about going out with Wenwen that day, which completely aroused all the sense of crisis in my heart.

I have been in the army for more than two years and have not been with Wenwen, especially at her most fun age, which is enough for many things to happen.

Maybe Wenwen has agreed to date him, maybe she has given it to him, letting the man enter her body...

In short, after seeing the letter, I couldn't forget it, and I inexplicably began to worry, worried that Wenwen would eventually abandon me and throw herself into the arms of another man.

So that night Wenwen went home, I immediately questioned her. She was also very angry. I just sent her letter to read it. We really had a fight because of this. It was definitely the most serious time. We fell into a cold war for several days, until we finally started talking naturally, as if it was not the case.

It's really stupid to say now. Although Wenwen is still willing to give it to me, I have been suspicious of her heart since that day, and I believe that this is the case.

Every time I told Wenwen that she would stop communicating with that boy, Wenwen just kept smiling and saying that I thought too much and continued to communicate with him.

Love is blind and absolutely cannot tolerate any grain of sand.

I really want to kill him, kill that man, and stop him from approaching Wenwen again.

But I can't.

So, I could no longer bear it, and I couldn't get out of my mind. I was afraid that Wenwen would really leave me. In addition, my friends who didn't know my situation at that time could let me vent my grief, and Wenwen didn't notice my mood, or believed that I wouldn't do stupid things, so...

Please don't laugh at me as stupid. Love is really blind. In addition, I and Wenwen are not tolerated by the blood relationship of society. At that time, I was really desperate about everything and thought that my relationship with Wenwen was not deep enough to make her stop contacting other boys. So sooner or later, her departure was still a matter of time.

I was in a bad mood for a month to the end. At around 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I received another letter from the postman. Another letter from the boy was written by me. I finally swallowed a lot of sleeping pills impulsively without leaving any suicide note. I just wanted to find relief for the whole thing and my unusual love with Wenwen...

Anyway, if I die, Wenwen can feel at ease to fall into the arms of the man he likes and accept the blessings of society, and don’t have to hide it because she wants to be with me.

Anyway, the Opera House monster finally fulfilled his lover, sacrificed himself to disappear into the darkness, and never appeared again, as if he had been burned out by the fire of hell...

Therefore, here I advise you not to swallow sleeping pills if you want to die. It is a deceptive and a wrong concept to say that you don’t suffer.

First of all, a large number of drugs cause severe stomach pain, and then slowly become vague. You know that you are about to die, but you will not be afraid, because the pain in the stomach becomes deeper and deeper, which makes you lose the energy and time to be afraid.

I didn't have much impression of what happened next, I just vaguely remembered it was very painful. Then I heard Wenwen keep calling me, and the feeling of vomiting. Wonderful hallucinations of light began to appear, and it was very noisy around me, and finally I didn't know anything and entered an empty world where even black color did not exist.

The next impression was that I had been in the emptiness for a few minutes, maybe it was only a few minutes, or it seemed that it had been hundreds of years. I finally woke up in the ICU and had a few tubes inserted into my stomach. I started to feel very painful...

At that time, I wanted to kill myself, but found that I didn’t die, nor did I feel like a new life as people said. I just looked at the ceiling of the ward, thinking about where I was and when now.

I wanted to get up, but I was exhausted, my hands and feet were still fixed on the bed, and I couldn't move at all, and I couldn't even try to call.

Not long after, the nurse found that I was awake, and notified the nurse's chief or the doctor on duty. He walked to the bed and smiled at me, and answered all the questions in my heart as if he had telepathic response and asked me: You are in the intensive care unit of the XX Hospital. It is one o'clock in the middle of the night, and you have been sleeping for almost a day, so why do you commit suicide?

I couldn't answer her because there was a tube stuffed in my mouth. I couldn't even scold her, so I could only listen to her helplessly nagging what life is precious and what seeking death is the stupidest.

Then, other nurses in the ICU might have nothing to do. Whether male nurses or female nurses, they gradually joined the battle of persuading me with kindness and continued to launch bombardment on me. I could only endure their kind-hearted bombardment with tears of incompetence.

The nurse told me that because I was afraid that I would be unable to think about it anymore, I fixed my hands and feet on the bed. After the doctor came to see me tomorrow morning, he thought that the gastric tube could be removed, and asked a social worker or psychotherapy staff to talk to me and then he would help me loosen my ties only after confirming that I was safe.

During this period, I could only endure it, like a boar in the temple fair, with an apple in my arms in my arms.

The nurse said this sentence made me feel completely guilty and moved. I don’t know how to face Wenwen: Your young and beautiful wife visited you twice yesterday. She held your hand and just kept crying. She didn’t want to go back after time. She begged us to let her stay here. The relationship between you and your wife is really good. Why do you cruelly let her leave the woman’s house?

Because the visit time of the family members of the ICU is fixed, only twice a day, each time about half an hour in the morning and evening, the few hours before Wenwen comes are really more terrifying than being bombarded by a nurse.

Because I had no idea how to face Wenwen, I wanted to see her, but I didn't dare to see her.

Because I was still a little drowsy, I tried to close my eyes and sleep, and it turned out to be asleep quickly and I was asleep until dawn.

The next morning, the doctor finally came and the nurse woke me up, but I was no longer the one who bombed me in the middle of the night, but the nurse on the morning shift.

The doctor was a male doctor. She helped me with some examinations and read the report. She confirmed that I could drain the tube, so she drained all the tubes in my mouth. She said that he was on duty in the emergency room to help me with first aid that night. Several doctors and nurses came, and gastric washing and enema were used. It took me several hours to stabilize my life.

Of course I have no impression at all.

I wanted to speak, but my voice was hoarse and completely distorted. The doctor said that I had a wound in my throat when I saved me, and asked me with concern why I committed suicide?

Because I had no idea how to talk about Wenwen, I didn't dare to say it, so I didn't say anything, and the doctor stopped asking questions.

After the doctor left, I started to worry again, but I looked out the window and didn't know how to face Wenwen.

What should come is still coming. When Wenwen entered the ward wearing an ICU isolation suit, tears immediately emerged from her eyes and then she walked to the bedside.

Looking at her sad and angry face, and her eyes were swollen, she must have cried many times. Just as I was about to say something, she slapped her.

Why did you treat me like this?!She cried and scolded me because I wrote a letter to him?

Wenwen is indeed my sister’s wife and the person next to her. As before, she reached the point with just one sentence.

I simply nodded.

Wenwen lay on the bed, lying on me and hugging me, crying and saying sorry to me, and said she didn't know that I was in such pain all the time, and promised not to contact that boy again.

Seeing Wenwen crying for me like this, I was really like seeing the light of heaven, and finally being able to take off the weird mask, stand inside and feel the glory of heaven, and no longer suffer from the fire of hell.

The nurse who took care of me also left the room and went to the corridor with cognitive cognition, allowing us to cry together.

You can't do this again, do you know?That day, people kept thinking that if you really die, I will accompany you!

This is the deep love between me and Wenwen.

Maybe you can't feel it, but it can completely convince me that she loves me deeply and will never doubt her loyalty again.

Wenwen kept holding me, hugging and kissing me crying, and kept saying that she would not do such stupid things anymore.

After Wenwen left, I was much calmer, and the nurse took the initiative to help me turn on the TV on the wall and let me watch TV to pass the time. She also said: Seeing your wife is so affectionate to you, are you really willing to let her go and make her sad alone or really accompany you?

At noon, I still had nothing to eat. The doctor said I wanted to let my stomach rest for a few days, so I could only stay hungry for the time being, but at least after crying with Wenwen, I heard Wenwen say that all my thoughts of seeking death disappeared immediately. Instead, I felt even more stupid and should work hard to survive for her.

A Buddhist teacher came in the afternoon, who should have been sent by a social charity unit. He smiled and asked me why I couldn’t think so.

I didn't answer because I really didn't know how to answer this, so he continued to try to chat with me, wanting to understand my difficulties and find out the reasons for the shortcoming, but I was calm and even when I was upset, I simply said that I was fine and asked him if he could untie my hand and foot belts?

Then please tell me why you are like this?

It seems that this monk will not let me go, and I will not give him any reason, I am afraid that he will always tie me up, so I can only avoid telling him the part that violates social customs.

Because... I always thought my wife was going to leave me if she had an affair.

The master asked me about this matter. After asking several questions from many aspects, he confirmed that I did not lie to him. As expected, the monk was compassionate and did not lie. He immediately asked the nurse to help me untie my hands and feet and restore my freedom.

The master asked me again if the misunderstanding was solved, as if I wanted to solve it for me. I also thankfully told her that the misunderstanding had been solved this morning. The nurse next to me also said that Wenwen and I hugged each other and cried. The master clasped his hands together and said with relief: Amitabha... I wish us old together. Then I was the only one who moved to the general ward and came to see me again, and never appeared again.

Wenwen still came to visit her in the evening, and she already had a smile and stopped crying.

The doctor also came to see me and said that if I had no problem with my observation tonight, I would be transferred to the general ward in the morning and would be discharged from the hospital in a few days.

Those days in the general ward, Wenwen slept with me in the hospital, and even in my arms on the bed. Therefore, when the nurse was going to take her body temperature and blood pressure routinely at night, she reached out and grabbed her hand from the quilt and measured it. Until Wenwen finally vaguely called it her hand, the nurse realized the funny story of measuring the wrong person.

Wenwen told me that when she came home that night, she saw me lying on the bed and rolling her eyes, and she didn't respond no matter how she called me. She would just keep moaning and crying, which immediately scared her half of her life.

When she saw the sleeping pills on the table, she realized that I had committed suicide by taking the medicine and cried in a hurry. The nursing class taught me immediately helped me vomit, spit out a lot of semi-melted pills from my stomach, and then called an ambulance.

I was completely unconscious in the ambulance and couldn't even wail. The staff on board were ready to help me with first aid at any time. Wenwen even cried so hard that she couldn't make a sound. She really thought I was helpless, so she could only shake me with both hands and keep calling me hoarsely, hoping that I could recover from waking up.

After arriving at the hospital, the emergency room was immediately facing a great enemy. I was completely treated as the first VIP class. Even several doctors and nurses who passed by the emergency room had to go home from get off work and joined the battle. The other people who came to the emergency room that night had to queue up slowly and deal with their problems when they had time.

Wenwen kept standing beside me and cried, watching me being completely unconscious, not knowing whether the doctor would save me or not, and even more so, she didn't know what to do in the future. She could only keep begging the gods and Buddhas all over the sky to save me.

Fortunately, Wenwen took the leftover sleeping pills I took to the hospital. Although it took a while, the doctor could still make correct and quick treatment for the sleeping pills.

Then I made sure that my stomach and intestines were washed, and the rest of the treatments I should have had were done. I made sure that I shouldn’t have anything to do, so I told Wenwen who had been worried that I would be fine, and sent me to the ICU waiting for me to wake up by myself...

After these storms, after returning home, my relationship with Wenwen has completely stabilized, and ordinary storms will not alarm us again.

Some version friends always kindly advise me to be careful when writing this article, otherwise they will reveal too many recognizable messages.

I am very grateful for these caring advice, but what else can I be afraid of for someone like me who has killed myself once?

Expose my true identity?

Then let me expose it, but I deny what else can you do?

Can you find the exact evidence?

What's more, can you be sure that the whole article is true, not fake?

Will it not show your ignorance and embarrassment when exposed?

I can understand more and more about the sad murder in the Lake of Kindai comics. When facing the threat of dying Tono Hideji Tono, who threatened to kill everyone, I can say: "Mr. Goki, don't go there, he may be here to be true!Think about it, he once killed himself!』

It doesn't matter to hurt me. I have already stepped into the door of death and will not be afraid of death. But as long as Wenwen is hurt, I will definitely turn into a demon and bring the fire of hell to him.

I am no longer an ordinary person. After several years of fire refining and burning, I have become accustomed to the flames of hell, but you are just ordinary people and have never really stepped into hell. Just look at what I wrote and experience it. I don’t think you who have always lived in heaven can bear it...

In short, because of this, after I got home, I quickly found a job as a foreign affairs worker. Anyway, I just need to get a salary and do things temporarily. Otherwise, if people don’t do things, there will really be no good things.

After I started working, I found that it was really effective. It might be that the social circle was expanded, and more and more friends knew about my relationship with Wenwen, so I no longer thought about things in the bad direction.

Then, there is nothing to say about what happened next, what else should I say?

After graduating from the girls' high school, she was also inexplicably admitted to the Department of Philosophy in a university in Waishongxi, Taipei. She read all the strange books I thought about, so I was in the past. Maybe Wenwen couldn't study in the middle school and had low grades. She pretended to be illusions and couldn't scare me.

Now I still live with Wenwen. After she graduated from college, she chose to work as a clerk in a well-known coffee shop in an alley in Taipei City and started learning to make coffee. I would take her to and from get off work, or go to see her and drink coffee when I have time, and start writing novels with her notes and computers, waiting for her to be with her side the day she is ready to open her own coffee shop and support her forever.

In terms of relationship, there were still several boys chasing her, but she refused to let her go directly, and told me honestly about this after returning home. She was very afraid that I would think about it again and end up being unable to think about it, so she had to leave her alone and go to another world.

My life with Wenwen has always been peaceful, and I believe it is not much different from the normal life of a couple, and there has been no major change. My parents transferred from Southeast Asia to the mainland and still lacked concern for us, so they lived a very peaceful life.

Regarding the issue of children, Wenwen now knows that we cannot have children, and it is easy to give birth to children with major genetic diseases. Therefore, we consider adopting children in the future, otherwise the children will definitely be as cute as Wenwen, and will be as beautiful or handsome as her when they grow up...

I kept wondering, what made me become like this and made me so painful?

The writer Yasunari Kawabata chose to leave, and could no longer bear the torment in his heart, and no one had time to save him.

Maybe he was lucky to let go like this.

I can live, and I can only feel the continuous accumulation of pain until I can't bear it, and I can only escape by writing something.

Psychologists say that creation is the best way for humans to vent their mental stress, so I started writing to escape.

But if I can no longer find peace in the illusory realm of creation, and the fire of hell is going to burn me again, where should I escape?

Do I have to kill myself again to read the public for entertainment?

Ruan Lingyu said in one sentence when she ended her life: People's words are fearful... The general public is essentially group action, does not know how to think, is the most ruthless, cannot be said, and will not feel guilty if they force others to death.

I spit on this society...

If Wenwen and I are dirty, then this essence of the public will be even more helpless.

Thoughts are reversed, behaviors are reversed. This article even seems to be trying to encourage people to accompany me. Speaking of this, I am ultimately a social unstable bomb?

Thank goodness, as for the bombs that endanger society, at least compared with gangster murderers or corrupt officials, I believe that there are still ranks in my own team that can be placed in a very back.

So those who want to scold me should first think about why the crime rate in this society is so high, or why the selected politicians are all those who love to show off. That is what you urgently need to find someone responsible to condemn.

It’s not that I love to moan without any illness, but that if I don’t keep moaning a few times, I don’t believe that all the public who read the article will find out this kind of thing and want to think about it seriously.

A reader said it well in response, and this whole story would not have ended because time is moving and people are still alive.

That's it, it's time to end, because there's nothing to say next, I've already finished it with condensed and said, the only shortcoming is that it's a lot of things being streamlined.

Let's go back to a peaceful life, live in a corner of society where no one knows, and feel the meager light of heaven... That's it...

Finally, I have finished posting this article, which is my favorite one.

I hope everyone can enjoy it.